i'm seriously considering calling off the wedding. things have been so rushed and im so spaced out that i havent even thought about writing, let alone blogging, but i need to vent...anonymously.
it hurts so bad that people still judge me on the basis of my phyical appearance and stamp me 'wanting'. wtf is that? well actually, i guess its the story of every woman's life...the struggle for acceptance, to be something beyond her body and its possibilities.
today i realised something. the will to lose weight has died in me, simply because i have learned to accept my body the way it is, and i have learned why it is as it is. but of course, that's impossible for people to imagine. i know the health risks, so please don't read them out to me. i have a healthy lifestyle, i get good food and exercise moderately, but i still happen to be obese. okay so i dont shop all that much anymore and i long to be able to do so, but on the whole i feel safe like this.
i learned that i do blame my fiancé to some extent. for not being able to (or wanting to?) tell his folks to back off and leave me in peace. there's only three effing months to the wedding, if it ever takes place, and they still dont want to get to know me. only weight talk. under all the waffle and schmaltz.
okay im not good enough for your perfect son. but guess what? in your eyes, no woman is.
i give up. whats the point in even trying?

My to do list ain't shrinking!

I've been down with a cold for the last few days (it feels like forever), and my meds induced sleeplike states have had me thinking about my lists et al...and it seems like the only things that we've crossed off the list are:

1. venue (alredy booked and a HUGE advance paid).
2. pandit for ceremony. this was a no-brainer as he's a friend of dad's.

the bulk of my trousseau shopping is done already since i started collecting ages back. but the thing is, its been a stressful courtship and even more stressful engagement. i don't want any stress around my wedding...i know its unavoidable, but i'd like to cut down on whatever we can just to save my sanity. also stress gives me acne. urgh.

oh yeah and we've finalised a location for our honeymoon. that's item 3. no clarity on hotels/flights and visas yet.

my parents are finally(!) waking up to the fact that i need to get a wedding lehenga, and that it cant be purchased or ordered unless they work out a bugdet. that means a guest list so we can budget for food and accomodation. sigh.

my sniffles are getting worse. excuse me while i go sneeze.

depressed!

Enough froth, time for some introspection.
Sometimes it feels like finally, it’s happening, because I’ve been waiting for this for almost five years. Almost ever since we got together, as a matter of fact. Yep, I was that sure he was Mr. absofreakinglutely right. Bt I’ve also been waiting for my, ahem, dream wedding all my life. And the way things are spiraling out of control and shaping themselves up…well sometimes it just freaks me out.
1. The location and ever after debate, which seemingly has no end and no solution. I wouldn’t put this as number one, except that my in law’s to be have some very weird ideas about how a wedding should be conducted. But I guess my peeve has more to do with the fact that they don’t like me, have agreed to this wedding under protest, and are making it clear, rather than anything else. Sigh. All right I don’t blame them, much, for not liking me. I don’t like myself sometimes. I just don’t know why I should run a marathon for it.
2. My losing battle with the bulge(s). enough said, as this speaks for itself.
3. My constant freak out fits. Will I make a good wife? A good daughter in law? Et al…I get stressed about the fact that my cooking won’t come up to par and various assorted woes which frankly are too boring to type. My sister (and fiancé) say that as long as I make a good wife that’s enough. Is it?
Why did I ever decide to get married?

I'm just generally excited. Sometimes I'm not, and sometimes I'm just plain disgusted. So..

And so to enjoy this feeling.

I've never seen you so excited...ever!

how is it that merely planning for and trying to locate hotels for our honeymoon gets you going?

It's really rather sweet.

Sicken, sicken, sicken...and die!

er, no, it isn't as bad as it sounds. honest!

I'm just having a really tough time curbing my sweet tooth (its the grand daddy of all sweet teeth) and my sugar cravings are driving my loopy. plus screwing up my diet. heck yeah.

When I was younger, naive (not!) and smarter, I gave up chocolates for almost 7 months. Sucker, me. But i was necessary to do so in order to stick to my weight loss regime, and boy did it work. And so, I feel compelled to do the same again. Well I don't really crave chocolate. Just confectionary. My bad! Anyway...tonight is the condemned stomach's dying meal.

If music be the food of love, play on;
Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,
The appetite may sicken, and so die."

Amen, Shakespeare.

Eat on!

The wedding fair…not quite fair and lovely

Well, it was one of those lazy Fridays…boring. All my days are lazy actually, barring the time I spend cooking, cleaning and acting as general drudge-of-the-household and working out in the air conditioned splendor of the gym. Anyway, it was a lazy Friday, and so when my sister, R, suggested a trip to the wedding fair at a premium location in town, I immediately acquiesced. My parents didn’t really want to go (truth be told mom looked dead beat and with her BP on low, rest really is what she needs), so we couldn’t well, do any shopping, duh, because I’m plumb out of trousseau shopping cash and pin money.

Anyway, the cab ride there cost a hundred bucks. Whew! So there we were overwhelmed by the bling and the incessant flashes of press cameras. Loads of dresses. Some pretty. Mostly not. Lots of jewelry. Nothing affordable. I mean it’s all real stuff. Not costume jewelry. I don’t get why someone would buy that at a stall at an exhibition instead of going to a proper store and taking the time to evaluate the merchandise given the amount of money at stake. Well, we were not brought up to buy jewelry that way. So we collected a few cards, nothing promising, but you never know, and toddled back.

All right, I admit it. I get freaked out at places like these, where one size had better fit all and the rest of the world be damned. I’m an awkward shape, no getting over that, and most things simply don’t flatter me at all. Even if they fit. But I really do think I’d be damned before I spent 55K on an ordinary red salwar suit with a minimum of embroidery on it, even if it fit like a dream!

My sister wanted to spy out the lingerie dept—a damp squib if ever there was one—and even she felt massively let down. Cotton nighties are so passé and ‘aunty wear’. I can’t imagine setting S on fire in granny nighties with cheap cotton lace. Not unless the cotton makes up a baby doll, or something oomphy.

The cab ride back cost 118 bucks. I feel darn cheated.